Love is not enough

I long to recreate the words that you inspired within me on my way from Mexico City to Puebla. Those words are fleeting but the lessons they reflect are forever mine.

There was hardly a moment where I was alone in mesoamerica except on the bus rides when I had the last year crashing into my thoughts and then a need for paper and pen would rush through my body much like right now.

I learned so much about love and its limits in 2012. I felt and confirmed that it is not enough. It is not enough if the love is conditional; if it endeavours to make up for what is not there and when it is supposed to flow like a stream into emptiness, when it is incomplete and fragmented.

More has to be in place in order to keep two souls together. It is not perfection as many times our wounds and inner turmoils link and bind us in tumultuous unions. Sometimes our darkness keeps us together so we can continue hiding from our light. Sometimes it is fear of the unknown, delusions of security and social conventions that imprison us in unions that instead of fueling our spirits eat away our life force.

I cannot always easily let go of love that is selfish and self-interested. It is perhaps destiny and soul contracts that connected and then separated us momentarily and now permanently in the flesh. You are no longer here but you left imprints within me that I can never erase.

I thought that all I needed was love. Yet when you loved me and poured all your affection into my heart, I rejected it all and ran away to pursue the opposite–lust without love, lust in competition for crumbs of affections from someone else.

In these times, I felt like I was splintering myself into two, into my polar opposites, between fear and love, cut open deep between my body and my heart.

Two mirrors haunted and showed me all that I needed to heal. And now it makes sense. It is just like that time by the fire in the tepee ceremony when two male elders were fighting to dominate and control me. My spirit was being torn by two opposite forces. I was disintegrating and could not accept that two male elders whom I had entrusted with my soul longings would subject me to the hunger of their egos.

I looked to the fire for direction and turned to the gaze of the sister sitting firm beside me. Our eyes locked and she knew exactly what was happening. And right before I crumbled in two, she channeled the words of the goddess
“you are your own teacher; you are your own healer”.

As soon as I heard this medicine, I remembered who I was and who I am. I prayed to the fire and dug my long nails deep into mother earth to regain my strength and power to put myself back together again. I cannot be broken. My spirit cannot be destroyed by anyone or anything. No pasaran y no pasaron. Segui y venci como la mujer completa que soy. I earned my place by the fire.

This year and this new era, I release you both. I will not run from nor chase love. I will stay in place for that unconditional love, that one that I was born with and am connected to from the stars. Conditional love, that lustful loveless love, that stagnate pressuring love,  is dressed in fake rubies, seducing without substance and entangling in cobwebs of fear.

It was never enough for you to love me when that love entered a base that could not contain it. Love was never enough when I thought I was not enough. Simply put, I just did not love you that way; I did not love you enough.

My body could never solely entrap him; I always hid my soul from him.

In the fragments of you both I erroneously thought I could make myself whole.

In this new Bak’Tun I proclaim completeness in my darkness and in my light. I take my power back and hold the fire within me to carry me in my purpose.

Love is never enough when it does not flow from within and is always expected from without. Love, even the unconditional one is not always enough to keep souls together. It is about soul contracts and the push and pulls of life’s constant dances with cycles and evolutions-ones that many times are divinely guided beyond our egos, beyond our flesh.

Alas the dualities that pained my spirit for far too long imploded with the promise and possibility of sensual, soul penetrating, body healing love that I deserve in wholeness with myself and perhaps, perhaps, my soulmate, the one God has intended for me. And for all of these lessons, for not settling in my longings of raw, deep love, I thank and release you…


2012-12-23 16.13.06

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