One strong bitch

In the past I would get offended when people claimed I was strong.  I felt like they were not honoring my wounds and pain.

Meet me in this pain and know me from here. See me in these wounds and label me from there.

It took some time to realize that there was something in me that others kept on seeing that I could not recognize in myself. And this became my prayer the last time I stepped into the tipi. I was by the fire again and when it was my turn to take in the medicine I asked to be shown my power.

The rest of the night was hellish. I could hardly sit up. I cried out all the grief that my body could handle. I kept on hearing Alejandra’s voice saying, “yo tengo que poder, yo tengo que poder.” “Mind over matter, mind over matter”, I  reminded and repeated to myself.   And when I thought I could not take it anymore I saw a chance to escape the tipi. The elders excused me for a moment and I quickly picked up the ends of my long white dress with one hand and held my sacred centre with the other. I was barefooted against the cold moist grass out in the bush. I gazed up to the sky but it was already there, embracing me. The sky had fallen to the earth. I had never seen nor felt it around me this way before.

I dropped it all, my guard, the ends of my dress, myself.

I was blessed with the wonder of the Northern Lights and the stars were gleaming like crystals. Tears of joy and humility warmed my face. Bliss and tranquility took over and I stepped into the knowing that I am just a minuscule particle in the grand scheme of things.

I am connected to the star peoples, to the darkness, to the hues of the night, to the crystals in the skies and the earth beneath my bare feet  holding and grounding me with its firmness.

I wanted to stay outside and bathe in the black and crystal hues of the endless skies.  Then Thomas came for me. The elders and the rest of the community were waiting.  I pulled myself together and returned to the tipi with the knowing of all that surround us.

A few days later I came to realize that there were consequences to my prayer. I developed a rare skin rash that expressed all the emotional turmoil that I released.  This summer after all has been one of detoxification–of  the body (became a vegetarian-no seafood, meat, eggs); of patterns that no longer serve me (such as self-sabotage) and of relationships that dishonoured my body and spirit (farewell forever to the “players”). It was obvious that more needed releasing; more needed to be healed and revealed.

A week later came the true test of my power and strength. I had to confront my worst fears—those of the paralyzing sort. I did so with such beauty and grace.  The tipi ceremony was then complete. I will never doubt these virtues within me ever again. Now I can claim from my sacred centre that I AM ONE STRONG BITCH…

Yo tengo que poder y si pude…

2013-08-17 20.25.02

2013-08-18 13.02.332013-08-17 18.34.54

 


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